One of my Facebook friends shared a meme about teenagers “Butt-chugging” cough syrup. I was going to put the image in this post, but it’s just too much. It involved some girl…well…butt-chugging cough syrup. In the photo, the chugger is doing a hand stand, and one of her friends is administering the dose.

When I was a teenager, somewhere between 15-17, I drank an entire bottle of Robitussin cough syrup. I made sure to buy the name brand, because you know, if you’re going to get high in one of the trashiest ways imaginable, you don’t want to buy the cheap, generic shit.

That’s why I did it. To get stoned; to do a little “Robotrippin,” as the kids said back then (mid 2000’s). I guess I was tired of smoking weed, and wanted my liver to prove to the rest of my body that it was capable of pulling its own weight. Looking back on it, my poor liver has gone through so much in my 28 years, it should be collecting disability checks.

I’m not going to regale that story in too much detail. I’ll just say that it does work; you do trip your ass off, but I wouldn’t recommend it. The high itself is not particularly enjoyable; it’s a bit much. As most of you know, cough syrup is bad enough when you have to drink an ounce from the little provided plastic cup, imagine experiencing an entire bottle. Also, the hangover took about 48 hours to recuperate from, and that was when I was young. If I did it now, I would probably wind up missing work for a month. I would also feel such a tremendous amount of filth and shame, that I would either jump off of a bridge or become a born-again Christian, neither seem too appealing (well, jumping off of a bridge is occasionally appealing, but I’m afraid of heights).

Oops, I snuck it in there. The “Christian persecution.” Look, I don’t care if you’re a born-again Christian, I’m just telling you that it isn’t for me.

What I did: drinking an entire bottle of cough syrup, was really dumb. But, teenagers are dumb, and I was no exception. Thankfully I got all of that out of my system before I could have been tried as an adult. I’m not ashamed of drinking the syrup, mostly because I know that the only way I’d ever do it again is if, say, someone is going to kill one of my friends or family members unless I throw a bottle down my gullet, and I don’t see too many hostage-takers including that on their list of demands. Hell, if it’s that important to you, spare someone else the trauma and I’ll just take one for the team, but you’re responsible for setting that up with my employer, and I’m expecting some type of restitution for missed wages.

How the hell did this post go from chugging cough syrup to haggling with a hijacker?

Anyway, the point is, just don’t do it. It’s dangerous, it tastes like dog shit, and it only results in you seeing a few weird colors and patterns, all the while fighting crippling fatigue while simultaneously not being able to sleep. Sounds like a real Gatsby-esque soiree doesn’t it? Grow up and do a real drug like acid.

I’m kidding.

So we’ve established that chugging cough syrup is stupid by its own standard, but shoving a bottle of it up your butt and anally downing the hatch? Not only is stupidity one of the key ingredients in that impetuous impulse, it also requires a certain level of depravity.

In what milieu rears (no pun intended) the type of individual who would want to butt-chug anything, especially cough syrup? I remember my teenage days (man, they were awesome). Usually, my friends and I would sit up in our buddy’s bedroom, listen to Black Sabbath on vinyl and smoke crappy weed that we bought from some kid’s perpetually losing uncle. Seriously, that was like, an entire summer. I was going to type something like: “This is why I was never in National Honor Society,” but then, come to think of it, the dude whose house we smoked at was. The point is, even though we probably “shouldn’t” have been doing that (because SO MANY PEOPLE were affected by it), we never once got it in our minds to grab a tube and a funnel and shove it up our asses. Hell, if we were going to do something like that, we might as well have just banged each other, by my estimation.

Of course, I didn’t chug the syrup alone, so my friends and I were um…we’ll call it “experimental” enough to determine that chugging a bottle of Robitussin was a viable option, but I don’t think any of us, even jokingly, postulated turning the bottle over into our rectums and, I don’t know, sucking our guts in and out (is that how you do it? I don’t even know how you would do that). In short, we were curious, but we weren’t that curious.

Here’s the scenario that I am presenting to you:

You ARE GOING to chug a bottle of cough syrup. You’ve already made your mind up; it’s going down, for real. So your choices are, naturally, to imbibe it orally, or to tip the bottle into your keyster. Let’s weigh the Pros and Cons (remember, you’re chugging regardless so now we’re only examining the method in which you do it).

Butt-chugging Pros:

  • If you’re a latent homosexual, you have an opportunity to experience analingus without arousing any suspicion (these damn puns).
  • You’re a “back door” kind of girl.
  • The high will hit you quicker.
  • You get to do a reverse keg stand? What would that be considered?
  • If your butt has a cold, you’ll effectively eliminate it.
  • It becomes a team event rather than an individual one, which could foster some bonding.
  • You wouldn’t have to taste the syrup.

Butt-chugging Cons:

  • If it doesn’t kill you, you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day for the rest of your life and know that you shoved a bottle of cough syrup up your ass.
  • You would also, likely, lose the ability to make eye contact with your butt-chugging teammate for an indeterminate period of time.

I don’t have kids, but I think I would rather my daughter come home, tell me she’s pregnant, was only able to narrow the father down to 12 men, and had the fetus coat-hanger aborted by an Albanian in a Waffle House parking lot – than tell me she butt-chugged cough syrup.

If I noticed my ten year old son was starting fires, disemboweling field mice and pissing in his bed every night he fell asleep; I would probably say to his mother: “Well, at least he isn’t butt-chugging cough syrup.”

Imagine climbing into the confessional booth:

“Bless me Father for I have sinned…I butt-chugged cough syrup last weekend.”

The priest would swing that window open so fast you’d think his side of the booth was filled with mustard gas.

“You did what? Do like…I don’t know, forty thousand Hail Mary’s, and…screw it, buy a plane ticket to the Vatican…no, they can’t help you…just go to Jerusalem and find someone there, maybe they’ll know what to do.”

Kids, don’t do drugs. They cause anxiety, they’re illegal, and frankly kind of dirty. But if you’re going to do drugs, or drink, don’t do any suppositories or butt-chugs. Seriously. What do you have to gain from it? Just chug the bottle like a normal human being. I understand sometimes you want to avoid falling into the rank-and-file, but you don’t have to do everything differently. Sometimes, it’s okay to be a little normal. If you really want to shoot liquid in your ass, go to the drug store and buy an enema. You’ll get that same great, tingling sensation, and you’ll even feel a little cleansed afterward. Hell, buy a sex toy. Have your friend shove their finger up there if you’re desperately craving assplay. I don’t know, just leave the Robitussin bottle in the medicine cabinet, to use the damn thing as IT WAS INTENDED!